ZA Furries

Helios_phi wrote:Wow, apart from the dripping at the end, that sounds very much like something else....

I wouldn't know, I don't own an umbrella. *innocent face*
The idea was to catch out the dirty minds, and you fell for it hook, line and sinker.

Two can play at that game.

What has muscle, lots of veins, likes pumping, and is responsible for making love?
Highlight for answer: [The heart!]

What do you call a nun on a bicycle?

A cyclist.

A little dirty (is there a NSFW thread for this?)

What's the difference between a gay man and a man with a stutter?
The man with a stutter has a rec in his dictum.

How are pedantry and pederasty similar?

They are both pre-occupied with little things.

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

A wife asks her husband, a software engineer...
"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!" A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."

It's ":q" you ignoramus. ":wq" to save and exit, and ":q!" to force exit without saving.

That was pretty good, but, yeah, I do prefer vim to EMACS.

How do you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
Ask them to pronounce U-N-I-O-N-I-S-E-D.

The worst part about being a pedophile is trying to fit in...

Why doesn’t Mexico enter the Olympics?
Because all their best runners, jumpers and swimmers are in America.

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with.
The other is used to carry groceries.

How is locking your keys in your car like getting your girlfriend pregnant?
The problem is easily solved with a coat hanger.

Why is a racist like a drunk?
Because whatever they say ends in a slur.

Animew wrote:The worst part about being a pedophile is trying to fit in...

Why doesn’t Mexico enter the Olympics?
Because all their best runners, jumpers and swimmers are in America.

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with.
The other is used to carry groceries.

How is locking your keys in your car like getting your girlfriend pregnant?
The problem is easily solved with a coat hanger.

Why is a racist like a drunk?
Because whatever they say ends in a slur.

WOW! Going all out there aren't we...

A couple of decades too late but I will never forget them.

What was the last thing to go through Princess Diana's mind?
The radiator

What was the last thing Dodi said to Diana?
Di

What does Dodi mean?
Died On Direct Impact

What does Diana mean?
Died In A Nasty Accident.

Heard about the Merc S Class?
Airbags up front, body bags in the rear.

Whats the difference between a cow and 9/11?
America can't milk a cow for 14 years.

But ey, don't make 9/11 jokes. I knew a guy who died in the attacks :/
He was Afghanistans best pilot.

I heard this one from my dad today:

A sniper walks into an old friend's gun shop and says he's looking for a new scope. The arms dealer says he has just the thing, and hands the sniper a high quality scope. The sniper has a look through the scope across the street and exclaims in shock. There through a window he could see the arms dealer's wife in bed with another man. He tells the arms dealer, who then asks him if he happened to have brought his sniper rifle. The sniper responds that he indeed has, for fitting the new scope. The arms dealer hands the sniper two rounds and says "If you can shoot her through the head and him through the manhood, I'll give you the scope and install it for free." The sniper agrees, loads the two rounds and has another look, this time seeking his targets. He promptly ejects one unshot round and gives it back to the arms dealer. "From what I can see, it looks like I'll only need one shot."

have you guys heard the one about the baby with aids? it never gets old.
<_< unlike the one about the kid with progeria...

also what do you call a masturbating cow?
Beef strokinoff.

and where do skunks go to pray?
The pew.

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?..

Ten-Tickles.

Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?..

It got stuck in a Crack.

Why did the bicycle fall over?

Because it was Two Tired

What do you call bees that produce milk?

Boo-Bees

Why can’t ghosts have babies?

Because they have a Halloweenie

What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay?

A Bagel

Why was the mermaid wearing seashells?

Because she Grew out of her B-Shells

How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank his Coffee before it was Cool

Teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. She says, "Human beings are the only animals that stutter."
A little girl raises her hand and says, "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well," the little girl began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
That must've been scary," says the teacher.
"It sure was," says the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'"
"And before he could say 'Fuck!' the rottweiler ate him!"

A Buddhist goes to a hot dog vendor and the vendor asks him "Hey buddy what can I make ya?"

"Make me one with everything" replies the Buddhist.

Arashi wrote:A Buddhist goes to a hot dog vendor and the vendor asks him "Hey buddy what can I make ya?"

"Make me one with everything" replies the Buddhist.

The buddist pays for his hotdog with a $20 and receives no change.
When he asked for the change the hotdog vendor replied that change comes from within.

You forgot half the joke.

Helios_phi wrote:

Arashi wrote:A Buddhist goes to a hot dog vendor and the vendor asks him "Hey buddy what can I make ya?"

"Make me one with everything" replies the Buddhist.

The buddist pays for his hotdog with a $20 and receives no change.
When he asked for the change the hotdog vendor replied that change comes from within.

You forgot half the joke.

Haha! thanks

I give you a economical joke - best read in an a New York style accent

Benny was a smart man. One day Benny was visited by his fairy godmother. She granted him eternal life on one condition - he never shaved. So Benny never shaved, and you know what - Benny lived to be 175 years old!!!
Anyway one day Benny met this beautiful girl - and she said she'd love him if he shaved off his beard. So Benny shaved it all off.
His fairy godmother, boy did she get so mad, SO MAD, that she turned Benny into a rusty, bronze, Grecian Urn.

So the moral (and economic twist) is!

A Benny shaved, is a Benny urned

I'll let myself out now...

How do you think the unthinkable?

...

...

...


... With an itheberg.

Read it with a lisp.

Did you know that Adagio and Sev once auditioned for the role of a wizard in Hogwarts?

Severus Snep.

Interesting fact about communist jokes, they're only funny if everyone gets it.

Did you hear about the Australian Aborigine who bought a new boomerang?













He spent the rest of his life trying to throw the old one away.

Pete and Repeat sat in a boat. Pete fell out, who's left in boat?

One day, a pirate walked into a bar. Girded on the front of his belt was a large ship's wheel, dangling over his knees and thighs.
"Hey," said the bartender, "what is the wheel for?"
"Arrrr!" growled the pirate, "it's drivin' me nuts!"

I came across Franky's Hiroshima picture joke in the "Lol picture" thread, and had a good laugh. It also reminded me of a similarly dark joke (I am a sucker for dark humour):

What is one downside to dating a Japanese girl?

...


...


When you break up, you have to drop the hint twice before she gets it.

A racist, con artist and chauvinist pig walk into a bar.
The barman asks, "What can I get you Mr President Elect?"

So there once was this wasp that lived in a jungle. This was not your ordinary wasp though-he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit wasp community and he would go out into the world and make something of himself, just like the humans do. So the wasp enrolls in school, and passes with flying colors. Remember, this is a very smart wasp. He gets his high school diploma in a little under 3 years, with a 4.0 GPA and all that snazz. After high school, believe it or not, the wasp gets accepted to Harvard. Harvard! This too proves to be no challenge for our hero, as he graduates in just two years, again a 4.0, on the Dean’s list, and all that snazz. Not to mention all the clubs and sports he was in-the newspaper, rowing, student government-and the fact that he was by far the most popular student on campus. Even his professors looked up to him.

He goes on to get two PhDs, and when he finishes his education, the wasp faces a bit of a dilemma. How does he apply his knowledge now? Where does he go from here? He decides to try out politics. After all, he was popular throughout school, did well in Harvard government. So he runs for mayor, and wins in a landslide. He greatly reforms the city, fixing virtually all its major problems. He runs for governor and again wins in a landslide. Two years later, the presidential election was coming up, and the wasp decides he might as well go for it.

Of course, he wins in the largest landslide in US presidential history. His presidency goes exceedingly well-he is loved by all parties, and has the highest approval ratings in history. He also finds the cures for cancer, AIDS, and broken hearts while in the White House. After 8 years (yes, of course he was reelected) the time has come for him to leave his office. Even his successor his saddened by the wasp’s departure, but they all know it’s what must be done. Back at his vacation home in California his first day after leaving office, the wasp looks back on his long and fruitful life. He realizes that he hasn’t been back to his hive at all since that first day he left. He suddenly feels a twang of guilt as he realizes how much he misses his parents and his little brother. So he heads back to the hive, looking more worn out than he remembers. He goes inside and greets his family, who are overjoyed at the sight of him. He talks about how his life has gone as his family listens in wonderment. Eventually he decides he is thirsty, so he decides to visit the old watering hole he remembered. Once he gets there though, there’s an extremely long line. He decides it’s worth the wait, so gets in line. One hour. Two hours. This is the slowest moving line he’s ever seen! Eventually he calculates that it could be a few days before he gets to the front of the line, so decides it’s not worth it. He decides to go get some cider to drink instead, but waddya know, another huge line of people waiting for cider! He remembers one other drinking area that never had a long line-fruit punch! So he decides to go get punch. He arrives, and lo and behold, there’s no punch line.

8000 men, only onw cubicle. The scene was set, for the battle of portaloo

(I stole it from a show but worth it)