Bad joke corner

Come in, relax, play with your friends! You can find something for everybody here. You can even find threads with no particular point at all, other than a good time! You can even start up some role playing.
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Re: Bad joke corner

#91

Post by Leeward »

Helios_phi wrote:Wow, apart from the dripping at the end, that sounds very much like something else....
I wouldn't know, I don't own an umbrella. :P *innocent face*
The idea was to catch out the dirty minds, and you fell for it hook, line and sinker. :lol:
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Re: Bad joke corner

#92

Post by Contrast »

Two can play at that game. ;)

What has muscle, lots of veins, likes pumping, and is responsible for making love?
Highlight for answer: [The heart!]
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Re: Bad joke corner

#93

Post by Rakuen Growlithe »

What do you call a nun on a bicycle?

A cyclist.
"If all mankind minus one, were of one opinion, and only one person were of the contrary opinion, mankind would be no more justified in silencing that one person, than he, if he had the power, would be justified in silencing mankind."
~John Stuart Mill~

“Give me the liberty to know, to utter, and to argue freely according to conscience, above all liberties.”
~John Milton~
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Re: Bad joke corner

#94

Post by Asbjorn-phoenix »

A little dirty (is there a NSFW thread for this?)

What's the difference between a gay man and a man with a stutter?
The man with a stutter has a rec in his dictum.
If you've done nothing wrong you have nothing to fear,
if you've something to hide you shouldn't be here.
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Re: Bad joke corner

#95

Post by Ivic_Wulfe »

How are pedantry and pederasty similar?

They are both pre-occupied with little things.
AND THEN THE CAGE COMES DOWN! The cage with the Japanese fighting spiders inside, your mother strikes a match off her forearm and tells you to dance in the front room for money... - Dylan Moran
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Re: Bad joke corner

#96

Post by Adagio »

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

A wife asks her husband, a software engineer...
"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!" A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."
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Re: Bad joke corner

#97

Post by Leeward »

Image
It's ":q" you ignoramus. ":wq" to save and exit, and ":q!" to force exit without saving.
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Re: Bad joke corner

#98

Post by Sev »

That was pretty good, but, yeah, I do prefer vim to EMACS.
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Re: Bad joke corner

#99

Post by Leeward »

How do you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
Ask them to pronounce U-N-I-O-N-I-S-E-D.
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Re: Bad joke corner

#100

Post by Animew »

The worst part about being a pedophile is trying to fit in...

Why doesn’t Mexico enter the Olympics?
Because all their best runners, jumpers and swimmers are in America.

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with.
The other is used to carry groceries.

How is locking your keys in your car like getting your girlfriend pregnant?
The problem is easily solved with a coat hanger.

Why is a racist like a drunk?
Because whatever they say ends in a slur.
Duck face? i thought they were all just making fart noises when posing for pictures...
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Re: Bad joke corner

#101

Post by Asbjorn-phoenix »

Animew wrote:The worst part about being a pedophile is trying to fit in...

Why doesn’t Mexico enter the Olympics?
Because all their best runners, jumpers and swimmers are in America.

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with.
The other is used to carry groceries.

How is locking your keys in your car like getting your girlfriend pregnant?
The problem is easily solved with a coat hanger.

Why is a racist like a drunk?
Because whatever they say ends in a slur.
WOW! Going all out there aren't we...

A couple of decades too late but I will never forget them.

What was the last thing to go through Princess Diana's mind?
The radiator

What was the last thing Dodi said to Diana?
Di

What does Dodi mean?
Died On Direct Impact

What does Diana mean?
Died In A Nasty Accident.

Heard about the Merc S Class?
Airbags up front, body bags in the rear.
If you've done nothing wrong you have nothing to fear,
if you've something to hide you shouldn't be here.
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Re: Bad joke corner

#102

Post by Neon »

Whats the difference between a cow and 9/11?
America can't milk a cow for 14 years.

But ey, don't make 9/11 jokes. I knew a guy who died in the attacks :/
He was Afghanistans best pilot.
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Re: Bad joke corner

#103

Post by Leeward »

I heard this one from my dad today:

A sniper walks into an old friend's gun shop and says he's looking for a new scope. The arms dealer says he has just the thing, and hands the sniper a high quality scope. The sniper has a look through the scope across the street and exclaims in shock. There through a window he could see the arms dealer's wife in bed with another man. He tells the arms dealer, who then asks him if he happened to have brought his sniper rifle. The sniper responds that he indeed has, for fitting the new scope. The arms dealer hands the sniper two rounds and says "If you can shoot her through the head and him through the manhood, I'll give you the scope and install it for free." The sniper agrees, loads the two rounds and has another look, this time seeking his targets. He promptly ejects one unshot round and gives it back to the arms dealer. "From what I can see, it looks like I'll only need one shot."
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Re: Bad joke corner

#104

Post by Animew »

have you guys heard the one about the baby with aids? it never gets old.
<_< unlike the one about the kid with progeria...

also what do you call a masturbating cow?
Beef strokinoff.

and where do skunks go to pray?
The pew.
Duck face? i thought they were all just making fart noises when posing for pictures...
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Re: Bad joke corner

#105

Post by Ash »

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?..

Ten-Tickles.

Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?..

It got stuck in a Crack.

Why did the bicycle fall over?

Because it was Two Tired

What do you call bees that produce milk?

Boo-Bees

Why can’t ghosts have babies?

Because they have a Halloweenie

What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay?

A Bagel

Why was the mermaid wearing seashells?

Because she Grew out of her B-Shells

How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank his Coffee before it was Cool
"I wonder what happiness could look like if we could give it a form.. The Shape of happiness might resemble glass.. Even though you don’t usually notice it, it’s still definitely there.. You merely have to change your Point of View slightly.. and that glass will sparkle when it reflects the light.. I doubt that anything could argue its existence more eloquently.." - Code Geass (Lelouch vi Britannia)

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Re: Bad joke corner

#106

Post by Valerion »

Teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. She says, "Human beings are the only animals that stutter."
A little girl raises her hand and says, "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well," the little girl began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
That must've been scary," says the teacher.
"It sure was," says the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'"
"And before he could say 'Fuck!' the rottweiler ate him!"
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Re: Bad joke corner

#107

Post by Arashi »

A Buddhist goes to a hot dog vendor and the vendor asks him "Hey buddy what can I make ya?"

"Make me one with everything" replies the Buddhist.
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Re: Bad joke corner

#108

Post by Helios_phi »

Arashi wrote:A Buddhist goes to a hot dog vendor and the vendor asks him "Hey buddy what can I make ya?"

"Make me one with everything" replies the Buddhist.
The buddist pays for his hotdog with a $20 and receives no change.
When he asked for the change the hotdog vendor replied that change comes from within.

You forgot half the joke.
[REDACTED]
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Re: Bad joke corner

#109

Post by Arashi »

Helios_phi wrote:
Arashi wrote:A Buddhist goes to a hot dog vendor and the vendor asks him "Hey buddy what can I make ya?"

"Make me one with everything" replies the Buddhist.
The buddist pays for his hotdog with a $20 and receives no change.
When he asked for the change the hotdog vendor replied that change comes from within.

You forgot half the joke.

Haha! thanks :)
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Re: Bad joke corner

#110

Post by Raven Song »

I give you a economical joke - best read in an a New York style accent

Benny was a smart man. One day Benny was visited by his fairy godmother. She granted him eternal life on one condition - he never shaved. So Benny never shaved, and you know what - Benny lived to be 175 years old!!!
Anyway one day Benny met this beautiful girl - and she said she'd love him if he shaved off his beard. So Benny shaved it all off.
His fairy godmother, boy did she get so mad, SO MAD, that she turned Benny into a rusty, bronze, Grecian Urn.

So the moral (and economic twist) is!

A Benny shaved, is a Benny urned :P

I'll let myself out now...
Learn the rules like a pro, so you can break them like an artist. Pablo Picasso
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Re: Bad joke corner

#111

Post by Galahad »

:lol:

How do you think the unthinkable?

...

...

...


... With an itheberg.

Read it with a lisp.
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Re: Bad joke corner

#112

Post by Galahad »

Did you know that Adagio and Sev once auditioned for the role of a wizard in Hogwarts?

Severus Snep.
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Re: Bad joke corner

#113

Post by Cape_F0X »

Interesting fact about communist jokes, they're only funny if everyone gets it.
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Re: Bad joke corner

#114

Post by Galahad »

Did you hear about the Australian Aborigine who bought a new boomerang?













He spent the rest of his life trying to throw the old one away.
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Re: Bad joke corner

#115

Post by Cape_F0X »

Pete and Repeat sat in a boat. Pete fell out, who's left in boat?
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Re: Bad joke corner

#116

Post by Galahad »

One day, a pirate walked into a bar. Girded on the front of his belt was a large ship's wheel, dangling over his knees and thighs.
"Hey," said the bartender, "what is the wheel for?"
"Arrrr!" growled the pirate, "it's drivin' me nuts!"
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Re: Bad joke corner

#117

Post by Galahad »

I came across Franky's Hiroshima picture joke in the "Lol picture" thread, and had a good laugh. It also reminded me of a similarly dark joke (I am a sucker for dark humour):

What is one downside to dating a Japanese girl?

...


...


When you break up, you have to drop the hint twice before she gets it.
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Re: Bad joke corner

#118

Post by Asbjorn-phoenix »

A racist, con artist and chauvinist pig walk into a bar.
The barman asks, "What can I get you Mr President Elect?"
If you've done nothing wrong you have nothing to fear,
if you've something to hide you shouldn't be here.
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Re: Bad joke corner

#119

Post by Rakuen Growlithe »

So there once was this wasp that lived in a jungle. This was not your ordinary wasp though-he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit wasp community and he would go out into the world and make something of himself, just like the humans do. So the wasp enrolls in school, and passes with flying colors. Remember, this is a very smart wasp. He gets his high school diploma in a little under 3 years, with a 4.0 GPA and all that snazz. After high school, believe it or not, the wasp gets accepted to Harvard. Harvard! This too proves to be no challenge for our hero, as he graduates in just two years, again a 4.0, on the Dean’s list, and all that snazz. Not to mention all the clubs and sports he was in-the newspaper, rowing, student government-and the fact that he was by far the most popular student on campus. Even his professors looked up to him.

He goes on to get two PhDs, and when he finishes his education, the wasp faces a bit of a dilemma. How does he apply his knowledge now? Where does he go from here? He decides to try out politics. After all, he was popular throughout school, did well in Harvard government. So he runs for mayor, and wins in a landslide. He greatly reforms the city, fixing virtually all its major problems. He runs for governor and again wins in a landslide. Two years later, the presidential election was coming up, and the wasp decides he might as well go for it.

Of course, he wins in the largest landslide in US presidential history. His presidency goes exceedingly well-he is loved by all parties, and has the highest approval ratings in history. He also finds the cures for cancer, AIDS, and broken hearts while in the White House. After 8 years (yes, of course he was reelected) the time has come for him to leave his office. Even his successor his saddened by the wasp’s departure, but they all know it’s what must be done. Back at his vacation home in California his first day after leaving office, the wasp looks back on his long and fruitful life. He realizes that he hasn’t been back to his hive at all since that first day he left. He suddenly feels a twang of guilt as he realizes how much he misses his parents and his little brother. So he heads back to the hive, looking more worn out than he remembers. He goes inside and greets his family, who are overjoyed at the sight of him. He talks about how his life has gone as his family listens in wonderment. Eventually he decides he is thirsty, so he decides to visit the old watering hole he remembered. Once he gets there though, there’s an extremely long line. He decides it’s worth the wait, so gets in line. One hour. Two hours. This is the slowest moving line he’s ever seen! Eventually he calculates that it could be a few days before he gets to the front of the line, so decides it’s not worth it. He decides to go get some cider to drink instead, but waddya know, another huge line of people waiting for cider! He remembers one other drinking area that never had a long line-fruit punch! So he decides to go get punch. He arrives, and lo and behold, there’s no punch line.
"If all mankind minus one, were of one opinion, and only one person were of the contrary opinion, mankind would be no more justified in silencing that one person, than he, if he had the power, would be justified in silencing mankind."
~John Stuart Mill~

“Give me the liberty to know, to utter, and to argue freely according to conscience, above all liberties.”
~John Milton~
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Re: Bad joke corner

#120

Post by Raven Song »

8000 men, only onw cubicle. The scene was set, for the battle of portaloo

(I stole it from a show but worth it)
Learn the rules like a pro, so you can break them like an artist. Pablo Picasso
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