Long distance relationships?

[Razotter]

What's everyone's opinion?

[Keita Haruka]

Well, I'm currently in a long distance relationship with a wolfy in the USA. It's not the easiest thing in the world, but we make it work. And that's the point. Both partners much work on it all the time and be willing to compromise.

True, it's extremely risky and difficult, but I've seen a number of them work out in the past, so there's no real reason to not do it. Long distance is not for everyone. I know this from personal experience. My first long distance relationship fell apart...but it was not because of distance.

[anoyomouse]

You should also say, and post why

I'm in a long distance relationship, and if everything works out i'll get my mate here to be with me soonish.

I know a lot of long distance relationships fall apart, i've also seen one run for 7 years, till it dropped out about a month before they finally got to meet >.<

I've only been in this relationship since October/november last year as well

[Wolfers]

I've been thru two of them, both with fuzzies in the US. One lasted 2 months, and the other more than 10 months. Maybe more, we just kinda put it on hold because it's too hard on both of us v.v I know it's possible, but what if neither wishes to leave their place of birth? It's a sticky situation :/ Then there's so much other things that needs to be taken into consideration.

In all honesty, i don't really want to leave SA. But i will compromise, and if i must, i will do so.

[Keita Haruka]

That's not an easy situation to be in. My wolfy and I gave each other a list of "non-negotiables" before we took up with each other. One was the question of moving. I'm willing to move, on the condition that he have stable employment and a place of his own. Same on my end if he's to move here. Whenever we encounter an issue, we talk about it immediately. Like when he took a second job, or when I almost moved to Ozz. You just take each other into account. It's like any other relationship in that regard.

[Wolfers]

That stable employment pre-condition is a very good point. I thought of the situation in the same way - i believe that i'll be able to find a good stable employment, and i wanted the coon to come live with me in such a case. *shakes his head slowly*

[anoyomouse]

I think i'm lucky in that regard, I've managed to get a stable and well paying job, my wolf has a very low paying job (working in a drivethru at a fast food place at night)

What's even better is that he's working his best to get her as soon as he can with little or no financial help from me, which really also shows me he does love me

A lot of furs in other places, either want to get out, or would take a free ride out, and yes, at a stage i was "desperate" and wanted a free ride out. what that would have left ... well, i would prolly have been hopping "relationships" and one night stands for the rest of my life (and i've seen it happen with someone else).

My other problem with a lot of furs is that they seem very childish and naieve, and don't try and see the relationship as "us", only as "me", which makes them break up early, whether it be over distance or not

There's another fur around with some really outrageous views on relationships, but i tend to agree with him on 90% of it ... myabe i'm wrong ...

anyways, let me know if you want me to rant some more!

[Keita Haruka]

Mousey. please do! Rant some more I mean! I've seen a LOT of relationship scenarios, good and bad, and been in two myself.

My wolfy works very hard to get where he wants to be, to get the life that he wants us to have. He actually asked me whether I'd be willing to wait for him for two years while he worked through college. I have no problem with that since I have to have two years work experience before my degree will be valid internationally, so while he works two jobs to pay his way, I save up to go visit with him. We agreed that we'd provide a place to stay if one wanted to visit the other, but getting there would be our own responsibility. So we're both getting things ready as much as we can to be together. We both know that it will be a long and difficult road...but...and here's the thing that I believe is important: we both believe in each other, accept each other and try our best for each other. We just let what we feel for each other fill us and make us strong.

[anoyomouse]

Well, i can carry on a bit more

***WARNING*** this is my own views and are very contraversial, but i want to put them down for everyone to read

I've been warned away from people saying that a relationship will last forever.
yes, the ideal dream is for people to have a good long lasting relationship and many still have that, many don't but they try and keep together just becuase they've been together for so long

I've seen it before, where peoeple are distroying themselves, finding "love" when there's no love there, people grow distant, new friends come along.

The problem with us is that we change, and yes, it's mostly for the better, it's sometimes for the worst. people have a fixed set of desires and wants, as well as a variable set of the same, if your ideal partner fits your set block, you compromise and then go for it.

Another hangup with distance is that you never meet the actual fur until long after you've made the decision to be together, if they have thigns that actually fall in your hate list that you've never asked about because you assume things won't be like that, well then there's a problem too.

When importing your ideal mate, here's a tip, make the ticket a two-way ticket, if things don't work out there's the option they can go back and you go on with your lives, don't let them get stuck here, don't be selfish, there's always a chance you can get stranded. If it dfoes work out, don't arrive for your trip back, sure you've wasted a bit of money, a lot less than a full new ticket home, if you can even afford a new ticket home.

A deciding factor for my current wolf was that we often chat together on skype, text is one thing, but actually talking to each other (with webcams in a full voice conference) gives you a lot better idea of the other person and their attitudes and mannerisms.

And lastly, Get ALL their contact details.
I've seen people dissapear without a trace, and noone ever gets to see them again, if you want your mate to be yours find out how to get hold of them if something goes wrong, so in the worst case, you can see if they are still ok ... there IS life outside of the internet, especially when it's not working!

well, there's prolly more, but i can't think of it right now, i'll get to more thoughts later

*squeaks*

[RankHusky]

I've never dated. But if true love comes around why not? Lets see how it goes? *shrugs* I've already fell for a bear in the US but I grew out of it.

[Diagron]

*Sighs*

I won't give my vote yet...but what I can say with certainty...is that the main thing in a Long Distance Relationship...is trust...

~Dia

[Razotter]

*Sighs*
I won't give my vote yet...but what I can say with certainty...is that the main thing in a Long Distance Relationship...is trust...
~Dia

Yeah. Trust is the biggest issue, and has always been a problem for me.

I was in a long distance relationship for 3 or 4 years. It eventually broke down because of my then undiagnosed psychological issues, but the main reason for it was just that neither of us would commit to moving to the other. That and he decided to go study which meant another 3 years before we could be together.

[Dracius]

Mmm... *thinks* I wish I had a decent view on relationships. I dont hate it, or love it.. but I -clearly- dont need it at the moment

Though, I have tried the long distance thing, and it didnt work. Even 10min away didnt work. I think it boils down to the fact that at the end of the day, its completely dependant on the 2 lovers do actually love eachother or just wasting eachothers time. (As probably mentioned above)

Its quite a blunt comment, I know... But I've just understood to move on. Life is just far too short.

I could get quite deep with this, typing my muzzle off... but why would you all want to listen to this crazy dragon? o..O

[Kodey]

I don't know hey. I've tried a long-distance relationship twice before. And both times my partner and i drifted apart. Both times it seemed like my partner just lost interest. I still have feelings for my first partner. But those feelings aren't mutual. Though it hasn't put me off the idea of a long-distance relationship totally. Not yet. I'm still willing to give it 1 more shot if love comes my way again.

[Keita Haruka]

*shrugs* Draggie, I just don't know how to answer that. I didn't last night when we talked about it and I still don't. I wish I could explain it to you.

Yes, you're right, it definitely depends on the furs involved. I can't tell you how you know whether it's a lasting thing or whether you're "just wasting each other's time". You're either certain, or you're not. You feel it inside, you KNOW the truth of it up there in your head and in your heart. You don't hold back from it. You look it in the face, the problems as well as the feelings you have.

One thing though: it's not the feelings you have that determines whether long distance works or not, but the kind of person you are. Your willpower, your inherant level of faith and trust and your own determination. If your feelings for your lover is powerful enough, then those parts of you I mentioned can make it happen.

But even then, you have to have other things as well. Deep rooted trust, honesty, closeness. A closeness of spirit rather than of body. Yes, you CAN have closeness without touching, intimacy without sex. You have to find that with your partner, continue to feed that closeness you share.

No, it's not easy. But. If you have that love, faith in each other, trust in each other, a will to make it happen, honesty and that intimacy I mentioned...then you have everything you need to make it work. Just as long as you KEEP working on it.

And seriously. Isn't that exactly what you need to make a relationship work IRL? Perhaps its not just the distance that's a factor, but merely the easiest excuse to break off a relationship that wasn't working.

[Dracius]

*nods* very true Keita. My thought pattern didnt seem to move into that area, but I did say that I wasnt going to get too deep. I understand it all already so I'm just interested in hearing other people's perspective.

The distance factor is definitely an excuse...

[Valerion]

Well, July I will be having my 4th anniversary with a fur in California. So yes, it can work out, if you work at it

[MrGrim]

I'm in a long distance relationship. Me and my mate have been in it for over a year now. We both know that we have to work hard to make it happen and we're under no illusions that when we meet up everything will work out perfectly, we know thats the hardest part.

Thing is a recently discovered that the earliest we might end up meeting would be in 7 or 8 due to the fact that most of the money i make will have to go towards paying for university.... My mate doesn't mind the wait and says he'll start working on finding a way to come visit me but i feel bad that he has to wait that long for me.

I've seen long distance relationships work and i've seen some fail, i agree that it depends on the people involved and the effort put in. Oh it also helps if your not in a relationship with a psycho >.>

[Dracius]

o..O - Well done to both of ya for keeping it going so long. Valerion, its 4 years now??? Thats quite intense.

Seems i'm gonna be dating my tail for the next furmeet..

[Wolfers]

Valerion, almost 4 years is amazing for a long distance relationship, wow.. I managed 10 months, and would still be with him, had he not suddenly started to cave under the pressure of the odds...

[Valerion]

The hardest thing I have found was the cultural and language differences. From simple things like the word pancake (over there it is what I would call a flapjack), to moral and political issues. A lot of Americans (especially) are very closed-minded, believing they are innately superior (financially, culturally, militarily, intelligence-wise) to everyone else. I have met WAY too many of those on the net, and I try to avoid them. If you can get someone that is open-minded. You will get to know that person VERY well eventually.

Since you don't see each other a lot, even OL, you have to be more compatible than most couples. You have to absolutely trust your partner, no two ways about it. If you start doubting and you can't honestly talk to your partner, then things will go south in a hurry. And try to talk to your partner as much as possible, even if it is just emails being exchanged.

A very good friend of mine met a Spanish girlfriend in London about a year before my relationship started. He eventually married her last year and she's currently living with him about 4 streets from me. So I don't think it's impossible.

Also, if you look at the odds and use that as a basis it will not work. Yes, it can, but statistics are against you. What you should do is ignore the statistics and make it work for you. It's likely to be one of the hardest things you can. But in the end, worth the effort, I believe. After all, more than 50% of all marriages in the US end up in divorce (IIRC). This doesn't stop people from marrying. Also, the US being a conservative Christian country doesn't stop same-sex people from living together, even in the face of condemnation by very vocal groups.

[Dracius]

Valerion, you bring up some good points. I know exactly what "closed-minded" people you are refering to.. In the end, it just put a really stupid impression on them.

I'm so glad i'm not bothered by anything to do with a relationship.

I love my car though! XD (i'm not a material person, but I carry -heavy- sentimental value across things I... hoard?

[DrakeyOconnell]

I am also in a long distance relationship with a certain fur in here *Cough* Acey *Cough* We have been in a relationship for around 10 or 11 months now. I have had many friends who tried the whole long distance relationship thing and ended in total disaster. I am the one my friends run to when looking for advice on relationships cause of my relationship with Acey is rock-solid and they wonder how we keep it that way. Sometimes I rather get annoyed about that. Also they have a nasty habit of serving a great dish of drama with it too.

But yeah I can understand the whole distance affecting the relationship and all, and of course trust is like the #1 thing to look for in a mate. But I tell a lot of people that it is not only trust that needs to be built, but lack of communication. When people enter a distanced relationship, text does not express any emotion what so ever. I agree with anoyomouse that talking with a microphone gives you a better outlook on the other. I can't even find the text nowadays that expresses as much love as words that come out of my muzzle.

I will admit, I was under that subject there to about not having enough communication between mates. I had covered up my emotions and well hardly shared any of my feelings with my mate cause I was afraid what would happen. Well eventually I did express myself towards my mate. And to my surprise I felt like a new fur, knowing my mate knows what I feel and that I can better from it. A lot of furs deal with that kinda situation, that is what I tell most of my friends, that its best to be open and talk about how you feel then to keep everything inside and bottled up. If they do love you, then they will accept you for who you are and not someone that they want you to be. If they don't like it, then they never truly loved you. Not trying to be harsh or anything but its kinda putting it bluntly.

[TigerTael]

I feel there should've been another option between the second and third.

I have been in long distance relationships and have had them fall apart... but if I felt the right connection with a person, I would consider it again.

Maybe I'm just a sucker for punishment.

[szczurex]

I don't really know with me... Depends if the two can be together in the end.
I plan to move out of my country... And i really don't know. But if i'd find someone... I'd try to live with that person.

Not having anyone currently. Maybe it sucks, maybe not. I dunno.

[SilverDragon]

So.. I am actually in a long distance relationship atm with a fur from the Netherlands. It's a bit hard sometimes, because we probably won't ever get to meet each other IRL, so we can't really have a 'meaningful' relationship (Not as much as I would like anyways). But still, he's really sweet and I look up to him a lot.. and I love him very much despite the fact that it might not even be seen as a 'real' relationship..

[DrakeyOconnell]

I have learned one thing silver dragon, never say never. If you love someone, in some strange way, love has a way of bringing people together, even us furs. The future is unpredictable and never know what it holds. I have learned to keep faith in what you hope to have one day. For me, I keep my faith that one day Acey will finally be able to move to Canada and we can live a wonderful and happy life together.

I can really explain it but I like to think that love has some mysterious power. The power to bring people close to each other who actually believe in love. If you say that you love your mate and that he makes you feel that special, then I believe that one day you two will find each other. This doesn't apply to just you though, it applies to everyone either you'd be Straight, Bi, or Gay. Love is a universal power.

[Red]

I am currently having a long distance relationship with a fur in South Africa which is going well, just that the distance is something that is a *small* issue we hope to resolve soon! Planning to save up money to go at the end of the year if things are looking good and I might get a chance to experience SA with this mate of mine! ; )

Cheers, Red. : )

[Yukon]

I'm closer to saying "no", but wouldn't turn someone down if I happened to meet the right person and haven't met someone IRL. Not actively looking or anything tho, but would consider it mostly because there are practically no female furries around in Jozi.

[Dracius]

but would consider it mostly because there are practically no female furries around in Jozi.

I have that constant battle... >..> I guess I'm just binding my time.