Wicked Witch of the Wild West

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Raven Song
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Wicked Witch of the Wild West

#1

Post by Raven Song »

Chapter 1 - Part 1

Thunder echoed across the empty expanse of sand. A light breeze teased at a small tumbleweed as it rolled across the barren land. The horizon melted into the sky, heatwaves rising as the sun climbed to it's apex. In the distance the blue husky spied the silhouette of the train. "Alright boys, this is it. Just like ma'am asked us." He said. His compatriots nodded, and began edging their ways down the valley.

The railroad snaked it's way across the dead lands, before hitting the wide base of the canyon, where it followed the river upwards towards Safewater. But today the train was not to complete her journey, at least not all of the train. Tocs spurred his pony on, racing to make it to the far side of the canyon before the train reached the trapping point. Behind him, Rocket had reached his spot, and was fiddling with the boulder, tipping it off the edge. Cuddles and Ally watched as the boulder tumbled down the mountain.

"How's that thing gonna stop right on the tracks?" asked Ally, looking at his partner. Cuddles smiled to his hybrid friend. "Don't worry, the boss gave Tocs some potion stuff, he's got this one in hand."

Sure enough, Tocs stood right in the path of the boulder, as it hurtled it's way down the canyon walls. The train was steadily approaching, and Tocs needed to concentrate. He pulled the vial of red liquid from his jacket pocket and popped the cork.

"Well, here goes nothing." He said as he downed the smooth liquid. He coughed and spat out a little, wiping the taste from his lips. "That shits horrible!" he shouted. He looked up at Rocket who shrugged. Tocs looked down at his paws. Nothing. She hadn't actually told him how he'd know if it was working. He sighed.

Holding out his hands to brace himself, the boulder tumbled into his path, and smacked straight into his outstretched hands. It moved him, back an few inches. His eyes were clenched shut, and he could hear himself breathing heavily. Gingerly, he opened one eye, and saw the boulder, roughly twice his height, stood perfectly on the tracks. Cuddles and Ally were whooping up a storm on their perch. Rocket smiled and flashed his partner a thumbs up.

Tocs cheered himself and tipped his hat to his fellow bandits. "Train!" shouted Rocket, as Tocs turned and heard the blast of the trains horn. Dashing to his steed, he mounted and galloped to his hiding spot. They sat in wait.

The black engine screeched to a halt, sand and smoke billowing about the canyon. "What's going on?" shouted a passenger out his window. The trains conductor slid out the locomotive, eyeing out the surroundings. "Keep an eye out boys." he called to his cab mates, as he went to inspect the boulder.

Inside the train, Rocket had slid into one of the rear coaches and was now making his way up towards the heavily guarded centre coach. Tocs, treading carefully along the roof of the train, was aiming to meet him there. Both front and back doors were guarded.

"I say Dan, I wonder how that boulder came to rest there?" the dapper fox stated as he leant his head outside of his window. Beside him, his compatriot and business partner scribbled hurredly upon his papers. "Well, Lurigo, that all depends, doesn't it, on where the boulder fell from." he stated, pointing his pen matter-of-factly at his friend. The fox laughed and slid back into his seat.

"Well, Dan, it appears to have fallen from the left side of the canyon wall. It looks to me, from this distance away, to be at least eight foot wide." Dan nodded as he scribbled down the suggestions from his friend. Humming and ahaing to himself, Dan shot a worried look up at Lurigo. "What is it, my intellectual chipmunk friend?" the banter between the two seemed consistant, never letting up.

"I'm afraid dear boy that boulder was not put there by nature, but rather by force. There's no two ways about it." Lurigo shot a worried look up at the striped rodent, and grabed his hat.

"Guards, check the boxes! Immediately!" he yelled as he dashed through train. His two guards standing at the doorway to central coach hurredly unlocked the doors and burst inside. The room stood untouched, it seemed. All boxes and crates lay where they'd been placed before. Dan rushed ot the nearest crate, Lurigo grabbing a crowbar from the wall and running to Dan's side.

"Hurry, hurry you fool!" shouted Lurigo as Dan dug the crowbar into the lid of the wooden crate, placing his whole body onto the tool, the lid springing open.

The pair stumbled backwards, in horror.

"Thank you boys, for delivering the final pieces I needed. I knew I could count on you two. Love, R."

"Goddammit!" shouted Dan, throwing the crowbar to the ground. "They cant have gotten far, Dan, check the other crates, see how much of the machine they've taken. Boys, tell the conducter it is imperative we make Safewater before sunset." Lurigo said, marching towards the door.

"And then what?" Dan asked, looking up, angry and sad at the same time, at his friend.

"We set the Wulfe on them." Lurigo replied.

It took ten men to move the boulder. Dan and Lurigo had scouted out the nearby canyon for signs of hoof prints and movement, but it was chaos. The train blew it's horn as it chugged it's way forward, steam billowing from her chimney. "Onward boys, to Safewater."

Behind them, in the last coach, the four bandits sat laughing. Watching the train pull away, as the decupled coach used for hay storage sat neatly on the tracks, they couldn't help but smile.

"I tell you what boys, Miss R is going to reward us hefty for this one." Tocs said, as the group readied themselves to return the couch to their employer.
Learn the rules like a pro, so you can break them like an artist. Pablo Picasso
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Re: Wicked Witch of the Wild West

#2

Post by Brutallis »

Going into this piece goddess, I was hoping to provide some constructive criticism. However, after getting my hoof wet, it seemed I became bias. They way that you incorporated a few of the people here is... admirable. You have made something here that actually would engage people on more personal level, by being involved in the story. Even people who are not involved would be able to follow it, knowing the characters a bit beforehand. I really want to see what happens to Tocs now, after that potion.

Now, on to critique; my only problem here is that I would have loved to see a bit more description of the characters themselves.
(I am in no way a professional, or claim to have anything going for me regarding experience, so please take my comment here with a bit of salt)

Apart from that, I only have one small thing to say. "NEED MOOAARR!"

That is all
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Raven Song
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Re: Wicked Witch of the Wild West

#3

Post by Raven Song »

Thanks. I want to rewrite it. I rushed and the more I read it the more I dislike it. I need to go back and rewrite everything the way I want to.
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Re: Wicked Witch of the Wild West

#4

Post by Brutallis »

But do keep it up, would love to see what happens!
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Re: Wicked Witch of the Wild West

#5

Post by Leeward »

Who's Ally?
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Re: Wicked Witch of the Wild West

#6

Post by Brutallis »

Leeward wrote:Who's Ally?
I believe that it is Alion, I am not completely sure, might just be a name that Raven used.
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Raven Song
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Re: Wicked Witch of the Wild West

#7

Post by Raven Song »

It is indeed Alion
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Re: Wicked Witch of the Wild West

#8

Post by Badge »

Wooooo, this was awesome!
If you take your marker and connect this dot to that one, that one to this one here you will get a really annoyed dalmatian.

The European Badger (meles meles) is known to have a rather large range of vocalisations, though it must be noted he often makes no sense at all.
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Raven Song
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Re: Wicked Witch of the Wild West

#9

Post by Raven Song »

Right. I have rewritten the first section due to being meh with it. Here it is. Shortly to follow will be part two:

Chapter 1 - Part 1

Thunder echoed across the stark, empty expanse of sand. A light breeze played softly with a broken tumbleweed as it rolled across the barren land. The horizon melted into the sky, as the sun beat down sending a haze of heatwaves shimmering across the land. A roll of thunder echoed across the empty desert, as a storm brewed over the canyon to the west. In the distance, framed by the azure sky, the blue husky spied out the silhouette of a train. Adjusting his dark stetson, he looked ahead. "Alright boys, this is it. Just like ma'am asked us." he said, his voice sure and strong. His compatriots nodded, spurring their horses onward, as they began edging their ways down the valley.

The railroad, a fairly new section of track, snaked it's way across the dead lands, making it's way from the green belt of Middlesborough, before hitting the wide base of the canyon, where it followed the river upwards towards Safewater. But today the train was not to complete her journey, at least not all of the train. Tocs spurred his pony on, racing to make it to the far side of the canyon before the locomotive reached the trapping point. Behind him, Rocket had reached his spot, and was fiddling with the boulder, his body dripping with sweat as he pushed all his weight against the large formation, tipping it off the edge. Nearby, Cuddles and Ally watched as the boulder tumbled down the sides of the ravine.

"How's that thing gonna stop right on the tracks?" asked Ally, looking at his partner as the wind tussled at his mane. Cuddles smiled to his hybrid friend. "Don't you worry, the boss gave Tocs some potion stuff, he's got this one in hand."

Sure enough, Tocs stood stock still, right in the path of the boulder, as it hurtled it's way down the canyon walls. The train was steadily approaching, true and determined, and Tocs struggled to focus. He pulled the vial of red liquid from his jacket pocket and popped the cork. The smell of copper rose from the small container, and Tocs gulped nervously.

"Well, here goes nothing." He said as he downed the smooth, ruby liquid. He coughed and spat out a little, wiping the taste from his lips. "This shits horrible!" he shouted to his friends. He looked up at Rocket who shrugged, his eyes glancing nervously at the steadily approaching train. Tocs looked down at his paws. Nothing. The boss had not actually told him how he'd know if it was working. He sighed, as usual she'd forgotten to mention things.

Holding out his hands to brace himself, the boulder rumbled into his path, and smacked straight into his outstretched hands. It moved him, about a few inches. His eyes were clenched shut, and he could hear himself breathing heavily. Gingerly, he opened one eye, and saw the boulder, roughly twice his height, stood perfectly on the tracks. Cuddles and Ally were whooping up a storm on their perch. Rocket smiled gratefully and flashed his friend a thumbs up.

Tocs cheered himself, shaking his hands triumphantly in the air and tipped his hat to his fellow bandits. "Train!" shouted Rocket, as Tocs turned and heard the blast of the trains horn. Dashing to his steed, he mounted and galloped to his hiding spot. The quartet sat in wait.

The black engine screeched to a halt, sand and smoke billowing about the canyon. "What's going on?" shouted a passenger out his window. The trains conductor slid out the locomotive, eyeing out the surroundings. "Keep an eye out boys." he called to his cab mates, as he went to inspect the boulder.

Inside the train, Rocket had slid into one of the rear coaches and was now making his way up towards the heavily guarded center coach. Tocs, treading carefully along the roof of the train, was aiming to meet him there. Both front and back doors were guarded.

"I say Dan, I wonder what all the commotion is?" the dapper fox stated as he leant his head outside of his window. Beside him, his compatriot and business partner scribbled hurriedly upon his papers. "Well, Lurigo, I believe it to be a boulder of immense proportions” the chipmunk responded.

“And how, pray tell, have you come to this conclusion?” the Fox asked, turning back to his friend who are now cleaning his monocle. “I, my dear friend, listen. The guards were shouting it to each other.”

“I see. Well then, Dan, how do you suppose such a boulder managed to become lodged so perfectly upon the tracks?” The fox enjoyed challenging his intellectual friend, and his friend enjoyed the challenge.

“Ah well now, that all depends, doesn't it, on where the boulder fell from." he stated, pointing his pen matter-of-factually at his friend. The fox laughed and slid back into his seat.

"Well, Dan, it appears to have fallen from the left side of the canyon wall, as I can see the section of wall it was most likely embedded in. It looks to me, from this distance away, to be at least eight foot wide."

Dan nodded as he scribbled down the suggestions from his friend. Humming and ahaing to himself, Dan shot a worried look up at Lurigo. "What is it, my intellectual chipmunk friend?" the banter between the two seemed consistent, never letting up.

"I'm afraid dear boy that boulder does not appear to have been put there by nature, but rather by force. There's no two ways about it." Lurigo shot a worried look up at the striped rodent, and grabbed his hat.

“Are you certain?” Lurid asked with alarm.

“I'm nigh on one hundred percent certain.” assured Dan, as he grabbed his jacket from the stand.

"Guards, check the boxes! Immediately!" he yelled as he dashed through train. His two guards standing at the doorway to central coach, fumbled for a moment, then hurriedly unlocked the doors and burst forth through the doorway. The room stood untouched, it seemed, as dust particles floated about the carriage. All boxes and crates lay where they'd been placed before. Dan rushed towards the nearest crate, Lurigo grabbing a crowbar from the wall and running to Dan's side.

"Hurry, hurry you fool!" shouted Lurigo as Dan dug the crowbar into the lid of the wooden crate, placing his whole body onto the tool, the lid springing open.

The pair stumbled backwards, their eyes wide in horror. Lurid slammed his hand against the wooden walling of the coach.

"Thank you boys, for delivering the final pieces I needed. I knew I could count on you two. Love, R."

"Goddammit!" shouted Dan, throwing the crowbar to the ground. "They cant have gotten far, Dan, check the other crates, see how much of the machine they've taken. Boys, tell the conductor it is imperative we make Safewater before sunset." Lurigo said, marching towards the door.

"And then what?" Dan asked, looking up, angry and sad at the same time, at his friend.

"We set the Wulfe on them." Lurigo replied.

It took ten men to move the boulder. Dan and Lurigo had scouted out the nearby canyon for signs of hoof prints and movement, but it was chaos. Dan brushed dirt from his trouser pants. “I'm afraid it's useless friend, too much traffic here. They've made away with it.”

The train blew it's horn, calling for the pair to return. Chugging it's way forward, steam billowing from her chimney, the locomotive forged on. "Onward boys, to Safewater."

Behind them, in the last coach, the four bandits sat laughing, sharing in a brisk drink of whiskey, as they watched the train pull away, the decoupled coach used for hay storage sitting neatly still on the tracks, they couldn't help but smile.

“How do you think she knew it would work out?” asked Cuddles.

"I don't know, I never know, but I tell you what boys, Miss R is going to reward us hefty for this one." Tocs said, as the group readied themselves to return the coach, now filled with machinery, to their employer.
Learn the rules like a pro, so you can break them like an artist. Pablo Picasso
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