Magno Fox: Hunt for the Sarriwor

[TotemCoyote]

This is the rather pathetic start to a story I am busy writing. It is not intended to be long and I will try and update as much as I can. I will do character sketches every now and again too (and maybe attempt to draw a picture of each.) So for now, enjoy.

Magno Fox: Hunt for the Sarriwor:

The Beginning.. or is it?

His talons clicked against the polished desk as he stared at Magno. “So you mean to tell me… that you have lost him?” Magno dropped his gaze immediately but did not utter a word. Lord Facio stared at him with a blazing gaze of disgust and cried, “You imbecile! I give you task to do and you mess it up!” Lord Facio calmed down and then emitted a light sound which Magno realised was laughter. It grew and then Lord Facio said, in an indifferent voice, “You are just like, you father, you know? Always has promises but never delivers. You will be put to dea….” A growl so loud that it shook the room came from Magno’s slightly agape mouth. Lord Facio looked at him with and then keeled over with absolute terror. Magno’s irises had gone blood red and the white fur that tipped his muzzle, tail and ears had suddenly turned black against his ruddy fur. “Don’t you DARE compare me to my stupid, good for nothing father!” Magno shouted with a vicious assertion. “He and I had no relationship whatsoever and I wish I had never met him in the first place. It was unfortunate that we did, then I may never have the life I have today.” He blinked and his eyes were back to their normal ice blue colour and black fur had gone back to white. “Don’t test me, Facio. You know not to test me know, huh?” Lord Facio stayed where he was and nodded like a fool. Magno shook his head and then turned his back on the fallen ruler. “I am going to leave now. I am against you and your policies but we shall both act as if this meeting never happened, ok? Right, now I am going to go on a quest… for my own gain. Do as you wish… you’re not my problem anymore. Goodbye, Facio.” With that, Magno left the castle and the kingdom of Malum never to return again. For now.

~TC

[Rakuen Growlithe]

To make things easy to read I would suggest starting each new person's dialogue on a separate line and dividing your story into paragraphs.

[jacojerb]

Agreed, people like me just look at the huge block of text and decide: "screw it"... For all I knew, it was a beautiful story...

[Grayhound]

Agreed, people like me just look at the huge block of text and decide: "screw it"... For all I knew, it was a beautiful story...

I believe the operative term is 'too long, didn't read'?

Formatting aside, the only other things that bug me here are the last 2 sentences and the chapter title. Unless the story is comedic, I find leading statements like '....or is it' tend to spoil the story a bit as it strains the suspension of disbelief by reminding you that this is a story.

Also the title itself....I keep reading it as Mango Fox, which i'm pretty sure isn't the kind of mistake you want occurring in your readers

[TotemCoyote]

Alright. I shall format it to be more enticing and easier to read next time.

Grayhound, read it as Mango if you like but Magno does have meaning that is related to the storyline....

(It will be a while before I post more installments of the story but I will right and format it on holiday in the meantime.)

~TC