80% & above school English essays of mine.

[TotemCoyote]

Hi everyone,

Thought I'd share two of my most successful school essays with you guys and I ask if you may critique them for me?

Thanks.

1. Eager to Drive:

Driving. Everyone can drive a car right? Well, those people who live on the street don’t as they cannot afford one, so they don’t count. Then there is me. Absolutely no perception about what is left, what is right, what is on and what is off as soon as I get into a car.

It was a beautiful Saturday morning. The sky was clear, the trees were an oddly coloured green, the sound of air-compressors in the workshop was nice and loud, not to mention the smell of diesel… although I don’t know where that came from but the build program for the airplane was in full swing.

So my father calls me over and I run to him like a puppy chasing a ball. “Would you like to drive the car?” he asks. You’d think I would have jumped at an opportunity like that, like a normal person, but I actually didn’t want to drive the car. I wanted to carry on building the airplane. I said, “Sure, why not?”
To understand my odd answer in comparison to my feelings, you need to know a little bit about my dad. My dad is a wonderful one. You know? The type that shouts at you if you do something slightly wrong and throws you into the pool in the middle of winter for fun. Yes, my dad is a stubborn, old man with a sore shoulder and back who luckily cannot chase me anymore. However, I said sure because when my dad asks me a question it is generally rhetorical.
So we go to the car. The car is a white Polo Classic that I call “Babe”. It is weird, hey? It’s almost like I have a relationship with the car but there is an explanation. It had a previous owner that had to put stickers on the windshield for a parking bay number to letter system that reads BA/BE. So what better name for the car than, "Babe"?


I get in the car and my dad explains all this important information to me about the car like putting the handbrake down before you push the clutch in and then switch the car on. Of course, most of this explanation went through one ear and out the other. What happened next was that I spun the back wheels of the car and shot down alongside the runway. What I found odd was that it was an almost perfect pull-off that turned into a racing start. Much to my dismay, my dad took me driving all over the place.

We started down a dirt-track which, at this point looked more like a mud-track, in stops and starts. Gear changing was difficult as my dad said if I even look at the gear stick, he’d kill me. So I had to move it around with my hand to find what gear it was on
Before I knew it I could drive a car. Well, sort of because I kept on crashing into things and stalling the car a few hundred times. The main point is that I could actually move forward in a semi-safe way.
So, on that day I went through a myriad of emotions. From happy to frustrated. From excited to depression. I can even remember my dad getting out of the car to do his pre-flight checks on his airplane and leaving me to drive by myself. I did that stop-start thing a few thousand times more.

It just shows that anyone, provided you are not mentally defective or a hobo, can drive a car. Now please excuse me while I go and think about how I am not going to reverse “Babe” into a canal this time.

2. Heated Battles and Flying Hooves

I stared in disbelief. I had lost again to the celebrated Jenson James, winner of all, killer of dreams. The man just stood there. Smiling for the cameras, flexing his muscles and signing autographs. Who knew a jockey, of all people, could be so famous? I, for one, was not impressed. I could not believe I had let this victory slip away.

The Jockeys change rooms and waiting area was an interesting place. On one side it was dismal, dark and damp and on the other is was glamorous with pictures of race winning horses featured with the shining silks of their champion jockeys astride their backs. I was sitting on the dismal side with my saddle rested upon my lap. Adjacent to me was my various equipment. My helmet, goggles and crop. “Tomorrow” I exclaimed out loud. I was just frustrated with myself.

“What about tomorrow, loser?” I looked up and Jenson was suddenly standing in front of me with his always glaring, always questioning eyes. “Leave me be, Jenson. You have won today” I acknowledged, “I was simply being hopeful”. Jenson is a mean character. He has medium short hair which he gels into spikes. I have never understood this odd ritual as I am sure that whenever he puts his helmet on to race that his spikes become flattened. He is a medium-sized jockey and is average to stocky in build and body mass.
I, on the other hand, am not like Jenson at all. I am rather tall for a jockey but still fit under the description of the maximum height allowed. I have black hair, tanned skin and am a lightly muscled average type. “Marino!” shouted Jenson, interrupting my thoughts, “See you on the track tomorrow, loser!” I simply nodded, collected my equipment and strode away into the dark evening.

The trumpets sounded at Santa Anita Park to mark a new day of horse racing. Race Day. I, having been the first jockey on the scene, was now nicely clad in my black, red and blue silks. Today was the day to prove myself.

“And then there were two” I thought to myself. Two jockeys and their horses gallantly sauntering up to the race gates. This was it. The race to see which colt was best. I glanced at Jenson before he put his goggles on. He had a glint of malice in his eyes. His horse seemed to suit him. A dark bay colt with a profound, arched neck and long slender body.
The bell sounded and my horse shot out the gate as if he were on fire. Jenson was already ahead but that didn’t matter. I was there to win this. To prove to everyone that I am not useless. My horse responded to me so well. For the first time I felt in absolute harmony with him. As he motored forward with each great stride, I could feel the power of him. The rippling of his muscles as his legs gracefully rose and fell and rose and fell to ground.
I asked him to go faster with the flick of the crop and he surged forward at an alarming rate. We quickly caught up to Jenson, moved in close behind his horse and made the move to overtake him. Success! One final flick of the crop and my big, beautiful chestnut colt shot forward and gave me his all.

One length… two lengths… three lengths… and we passed the finish line with a win, and for once, I was the one being photographed and Jenson was the one being left behind in the locker room. Never again would I be subject to ridicule.

Thanks for your patience everyone!

~TC

[Raven Song]

i likes it... reminds me of those teenager type books by that writer joanna cambell. very nicely written and gives a descent prespective of the horsey scene without makin us sound like a bunch of elitist pigs (which most of them are).

i really enjoyed this, pretty damn impressive i gotsta say

[Contrast]

I've got a thing about driving. Every time I get behind the wheel, I can't help but think to myself, "Okay, statistically, this is the most likely you have ever come to dying. Today. Right now."
*Shivers uncontrolably*

[terror]

I've got a thing about driving. Every time I get behind the wheel, I can't help but think to myself, "Okay, statistically, this is the most likely you have ever come to dying. Today. Right now."
*Shivers uncontrolably*

I'm so going to strap you into a racecar when you're here and take you for hot laps

[TotemCoyote]

Oops, sorry anoyo. I must have clicked the wrong blue. My intention was the lighter blue. Thanks guys!

I have another one laying around somewhere and I recieved a 92% for it. The teacher said if I had used slightly bigger vocabulary(which I shall be working on in my next literature essay) I would have nailed it by 96%.

Will post the 92% on just now... as I have to type it out again.

[TotemCoyote]

Oh and Contrast, I have the same thing about driving a car. I like motorbikes but cars freak me out a little sometimes.

Ok, couldn't find the one I mentioned above, however, I did find an 80% "Frozen Moment" short writing of mine. It's very short but I am proud of getting such good marks out of the fraustration of finding out that it needed to be short.

Here goes:


Frozen Moment:
The Horse

She sat alone on a small incline in a yellow and green field. Being an overcast and somewhat rainy day, she stood with a feeling loneliness, and slight sadness. She was away from her home territory, in a new type of land and had no contact with her friends at home.

She stared at the sky, at the clouds and with the tiny raindrops stroking her face. She stood up and at the moment felt a short, warm breeze on the back of her neck. She turned around to face a small bay horse who backed up a few feet at the speed of her turning. He threw his head back, lifted his lip and smelt the air. This was a friend.

The human, sensing the animal was friendly, slowly lifted her hand and put it up in front of her. The small horse walked forward and placed his warm, grey muzzle in the human’s palm and breathed in and out. He enjoyed the love and attention that he had sought for so long.
The human and the horse stood there like that for five minutes and it was truly a moment frozen in time.

[Little wolfie]

Hahahaha...... good times and very funny times TC...hehehehe