BackStabbing Friends

[Adagio]

A poem I wrote in schooltime today:

Everything when you need me
Nothing when you leve me
Once you get greedy
You leve me needy

You made me feel pathetic
Our friendship: synthetic
Lightning strikes me back to reality
Leaving in my heart an empty cavity

Friendship once filled these empty holes
Life is taking its heafty tolls
My life is broken and bent

My resources are all spent
For this I am truly sorry
But you have no more need to worry.

Tell me what you think!

[Splicer-Fox]

Very nice.

Poems are not really something I can click with.

I like those short Japanese poems though.

[Adagio]

And you understand them......

[Durosuka]

very nice indeed. simple, short and beautiful.

I also had friends at school that were pretty much the same. I think we all do.

[Splicer-Fox]

I feel completely forgotten by my high school friends.

Yeah I actually do understand most of them.
Easy if you know that its almost always about romanticising Death.

As the sound of drum calls for my life,
I turn my head where sun is about to set.
There is no inn on the way to underworld.
At whose house shall I sleep tonight?

Fear of the unknown

[Fluke]

A poem I wrote in schooltime today:

Everything when you need me
Nothing when you leve me
Once you get greedy
You leve me needy

You made me feel pathetic
Our friendship: synthetic
Lightning strikes me back to reality
Leaving in my heart an empty cavity

Friendship once filled these empty holes
Life is taking its heafty tolls
My life is broken and bent

My resources are all spent
For this I am truly sorry
But you have no more need to worry.

Tell me what you think!

Corrected spelling:

Everything when you need me
Nothing when you leave me
Once you get greedy
You leave me needy

You made me feel pathetic
Our friendship: synthetic
Lightning strikes me back to reality
Leaving in my heart an empty cavity

Friendship once filled these empty holes
Life is taking its hefty tolls
My life is broken and bent

My resources are all spent
For this I am truly sorry
But you have no more need to worry.




As to what I think? Well I am known for speaking my mind, this will be no exception.

I think the poem feels too forced to rhyme, as if you put the rhyming of the AA/BB/etc ahead of conveying the actual message. It doesn't seem to flow or have any good imagery or use of metaphors. I think that the poem is decent, but needs some work to be done on it. There seems to be no greater meaning to this poem and the actual meaning seems rather immature or gives off the interpretation that you made the poem simply to gain attention to yourself and your problems.

[Flaxney]

I like those short Japanese poems though.

the Haiku, mmm

looks like you got an F- from teacher fluke D: guess he gets the old tainted apple treatment then :/

Don't let that get to you though, Fluke comes across as somewhat of a troll, but that is just how he is, every forum needs a troll or two.

I cant offer any feedback about your poem, other than I can empathise with your situation, people tend to have this nasty habit of BACKSTABBING you for critical damage when you least expect it.

[Adagio]

I think the poem feels too forced to rhyme

This could be true, i dit trie to usa na actual rhime scheme this time, sorry if it seems inappropriate

(Aint Ponys supposed to be jolly... *LOL*)
PS Thanx for the spell check (even though you propably did it out of spite...)

I think that the poem is decent

Coming from you this is propably a compliment...

Tanx for all the comments...

I'll do better next time...