The Inner Gift

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Clean paws
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The Inner Gift

#1

Post by Clean paws »

Hey guys, this is my first story ever and I'm looking for some feedback. Usually I'm more of a poet but I want to practice writing in general. Anyway here you go :) It's a series I'm working on


"Mark, time to get up"
Another day of school. Great.
"How come out of all the spirits I get to have you?"
Mark's voice came dreary from his pillow "Your just weird that way I guess"
the respond came from his mirror and continued "You know I want what's best for you and right now its getting you through this boring err I mean wonderful school"
Mark sat up and looked outside the window and to his mirror
"Any reason you got me up before dawn, wolfy?" Mark said with a rather grumpy voice.
The anthro wolf in the reflection grinned "You should know by now that it's the best time for us to recharge and connect"
Mark got up from his bed
"Alright then, let's get started"
Mark remembered the day he made this commitment. It would be a great influence in his life, his journey. It hadn't been easy, then again, not most things aren't. But he was glad anyway, he was well on his way to find himself. It happened about 3 months ago

****

"On this night I shall commence the bond that will give me strength, light of the sun and moon will give me might to cast off evil from my sight. Give unto me now my true reflection and I vow to use it with intentions true"
Mark glared deeply into the mirror, nothing.
"I guess that's another night and work wasted."
Don't get him wrong, he felt alot older than he actually was so time seems short to him. He is 16. The next morning he went on as usual. No-one he really expects him to be patient. It's a trait he developed over the years. Naturally he skipped breakfast and went to directly to school.
"I'll get something to eat there!" He yelled to his mom in the kitchen while he walked out the front door.
On his way to school he found himself rambling again about things he didn't know half about. See, Mark has all these ideas on what he wants to do and with all of them filling up as they do he loses track of the previous ones. He's life was sort of in a turmoil, he had no stability. Nothing was considered stable to him. He often looked at couples and eaves dropped on them how they said they'll never leave each other and always love each other. Silently he laughed at himself. He pondered how they can believe each other, no way they're old enough to truly understand what true commitment means.
"Two weeks".
He looked up as the bell rang, something in the air seemed... No, he shook the feeling and went off.
"Hey Mark"
He looked up to see the ever smiling Julie. Something about her that could never be logically defined, the air in the room was just lighter with her there, atleast for Mark. That's why he befriended her. She was his safety net from the world. But a safety net can't always safe you. In Mark's case it was because of his little secret. He wanted something that couldn't be explained either. He had this feeling deep inside, to run, to howl, to do things that would never be considered sane by human terms. So he went searching to answer that feeling, confront it.

****

Once he got home, he decided to take a nice shower. The day took its toll on him from school and it started pouring on the way home too so he felt like he deserved it. Taking off his school clothes he stepped in
"What a crappy day" he murmured to himself.
The cold water hit him with it's initiate shock before it started warming up. After he got out he looked around, the room appeared darker than he remembered entering it. He knew it was clouded and all but had so much time really passed in the short period he was in there? He tried switching the light on with no luck
"Guess I'll have to make due with what light there is..."
Suddenly he collapsed. He quickly grabbed hold of the sink to maintain his balance.
"The.. Hell..."
He pulled himself up and looked in the mirror, he felt exhausted. The room became darker and the dark clouds released an eerie shock of lightning. The room lit up. What Mark saw made him stumble, on his way down he hit his head and passed out...

****

"Ehh, what happened?"
Mark slowly opened his eyes and sat up to observe his surroundings. He was in his bathroom, looking around he noticed that the shower was still running and the room was incredibly hot and humid. No to mention his head was pounding and he was still bare on the cold tiles. He quickly stood up to close the shower and wrapped a towel around him since his clothes were soaking wet. His memories were a bit hazy from the hit. He walked over to the foggy mirror to take a look at where he hit it. He wiped the mirror and froze. What was staring back at him wasn't him.It didn't have his blue eyes, no, it was a deep blue, almost... Pure... It also didn't have his style of brown hair, instead, it covered his face. If you could call that a face, the lips were, rubbery, if you could say that. It had a snout with a black nose. And to top it all off, it was grinning. Mark just stood there, not believing his eyes.
"Yo" the reflection snickered
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Re: The Inner Gift

#2

Post by Rakuen Growlithe »

Without reading it I can tell you that it needs to be properly formatted. No one wants to read blocks of text. New lines of dialogue start on new lines. Also, numbers below 10 are written out in full.

EDIT: And there it is neatened up for you. I only really bothered with giving dialogue the correct lines. There still plenty of grammatical errors there but I don't want to go on into a huge amount of detail. Just check for missing punctuation marks and perhaps rewording things to be clearer.
"If all mankind minus one, were of one opinion, and only one person were of the contrary opinion, mankind would be no more justified in silencing that one person, than he, if he had the power, would be justified in silencing mankind."
~John Stuart Mill~

“Give me the liberty to know, to utter, and to argue freely according to conscience, above all liberties.”
~John Milton~
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Re: The Inner Gift

#3

Post by Fluke »

Clean paws wrote:Hey guys, this is my first story ever and I'm looking for some feedback. Usually I'm more of a poet but I want to practice writing in general. Anyway here you go :) It's a series I'm working on


"Mark, time to get up" Said by whom?
"Another day of school, great."Said by whom?
"How come out of all the spirits I get to have you?" Said by whom?
Mark's voice came drearily from his pillow, "You're just weird that way, I guess."
The response came from his mirror and it continued, "You know I want what's best for you and right now its getting you through this boring, err, I mean wonderful school."
Mark sat up and looked outside the window and then into his mirror.
"Any reason you got me up before dawn, Wolfy?" Mark said with a rather grumpy voice.
The anthropomorphic wolf in the reflection grinned "You should know by now that it's the best time for us to recharge and connect."

Mark got up from his bed,
"Alright then, let's get started."
Mark remembered the day he made this commitment. It would be a great influence in his life, his journey. It hadn't been easy, then again, not most things aren't. But he was glad anyway, he was well on his way to find himself. It all happened about 3 months ago.

****

"On this night I shall commence the bond that will give me strength, light of the sun and moon will give me might to cast off evil from my sight. Give unto me now my true reflection and I vow to use it with intentions true"
Mark glared deeply into the mirror, nothing.
"I guess that's another night and work wasted."
Don't get him wrong, he felt alot older than he actually was so time seems short to him. He is 16. The next morning he went on as usual. No-one he really expects him to be patient. It's a trait he developed over the years. Naturally he skipped breakfast and went to directly to school.
"I'll get something to eat there!" He yelled to his mom in the kitchen while he walked out the front door.
On his way to school he found himself rambling again about things he didn't know half about. See, Mark has all these ideas on what he wants to do and with all of them filling up as they do he loses track of the previous ones. He's life was sort of in a turmoil, he had no stability. Nothing was considered stable to him. He often looked at couples and eaves dropped on them how they said they'll never leave each other and always love each other. Silently he laughed at himself. He pondered how they can believe each other, no way they're old enough to truly understand what true commitment means.
"Two weeks".
He looked up as the bell rang, something in the air seemed... No, he shook the feeling and went off.
"Hey Mark"
He looked up to see the ever smiling Julie. Something about her that could never be logically defined, the air in the room was just lighter with her there, atleast for Mark. That's why he befriended her. She was his safety net from the world. But a safety net can't always safe you. In Mark's case it was because of his little secret. He wanted something that couldn't be explained either. He had this feeling deep inside, to run, to howl, to do things that would never be considered sane by human terms. So he went searching to answer that feeling, confront it.

****

Once he got home, he decided to take a nice shower. The day took its toll on him from school and it started pouring on the way home too so he felt like he deserved it. Taking off his school clothes he stepped in
"What a crappy day" he murmured to himself.
The cold water hit him with it's initiate shock before it started warming up. After he got out he looked around, the room appeared darker than he remembered entering it. He knew it was clouded and all but had so much time really passed in the short period he was in there? He tried switching the light on with no luck
"Guess I'll have to make due with what light there is..."
Suddenly he collapsed. He quickly grabbed hold of the sink to maintain his balance.
"The.. Hell..."
He pulled himself up and looked in the mirror, he felt exhausted. The room became darker and the dark clouds released an eerie shock of lightning. The room lit up. What Mark saw made him stumble, on his way down he hit his head and passed out...

****

"Ehh, what happened?"
Mark slowly opened his eyes and sat up to observe his surroundings. He was in his bathroom, looking around he noticed that the shower was still running and the room was incredibly hot and humid. No to mention his head was pounding and he was still bare on the cold tiles. He quickly stood up to close the shower and wrapped a towel around him since his clothes were soaking wet. His memories were a bit hazy from the hit. He walked over to the foggy mirror to take a look at where he hit it. He wiped the mirror and froze. What was staring back at him wasn't him.It didn't have his blue eyes, no, it was a deep blue, almost... Pure... It also didn't have his style of brown hair, instead, it covered his face. If you could call that a face, the lips were, rubbery, if you could say that. It had a snout with a black nose. And to top it all off, it was grinning. Mark just stood there, not believing his eyes.
"Yo" the reflection snickered

TL;DR I just can't correct anymore.
Notes: Needs more description, punctuation and better grammar. Good plot ideas though :)
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