Why are relationships so difficult?

[anoyomouse]

I have a really good furry friend, and he posted this about the topic, and i think it's probably the truth, at least i beleve it will work, so without further ado:

Because too many people forget the first step. They say the basis of all relationships is communication. This is incorrect.

The basis of all relationships is knowing what you want.

1. Know what you want. Be certain. You cannot communicate what you do not know.

2. Communicate what you want. Be clear. Do not expect others to know things you don't tell them clearly.

3. Do not promise what you can't deliver, or offer compromises you cannot live with.

4. Do not demand changes of others, only yourself.

5. Do not let others demand changes of you. If you do you will cease to be an individual, and they will seek love elsewhere, see 6.

6. Understand that love is a thing between two individuals and that neither can own or control the other without dehumanizing them into a toy that is no longer fit to love. This means that there will always be imperfect fits in some areas. How you accommodate these will be up to you. Sometimes the best solution is to allow others to handle those needs which you cannot in your stead while you provide for the rest. Not everyone will be comfortable with this. If you are not, see 3. Not everyone will be comfortable without this. If you are not, see 3.

7. Recognize that change is inevitable and no two people change in exactly the same way. See 4 5 and 6.

8. 7 implies all relationships will change in nature as the people involved change. See 1 2 and 4.

9. 8 implies all relationships are finite. Remember this, and plan for it, so you can handle it like an adult and not a child when, not if, it does end. See 5 6 and 10.

10. Once you can clearly visualize how you will end the relationship - what you'll say, what you'll argue, where and when it will be, the relationship is over. Pretending it's not is just lying to yourself and others and will cause more harm the longer this pretense is maintained. Like a rubberband the more it is strained the harder it will snap when it does, and more time just builds more ammunition on both sides for a war. End it quickly and in a civil manner, and renegotiate a new one if possible. The only thing worse than bad news is bad news that has been allowed to fester.

[Jerik]

my guess (unexperienced 16 year old in the room) is that they are inevitably difficult because in this day and age, it is predominantly guess work!
a relationship, in the romantic sense, can only be good when the two people really have a commitment, and that this commitment generally means that the other will do anything to make you happy, and vice-versa, but commonly it isn't 'normal' to ask what the other wants and you sort of are tested to figure it out for yourself!
so it's guess work... fundamentally! it is unfair... but it seemingly has become the norm!

[Hargan]

In my opinion, there are no perfect guidelines to any relationship.

However, what you do highlight are common issues found in relationships and i have to agree with them.

Funny thing is: some of those comments do fit in with Bandura's theory of the self.

[Hargan]

Funny thing is: some of those comments do fit in with Bandura's theory of the self.

Apologies to everyone including Bandura and Carl Rogers.

It was not Bandura's theory, it was Rogers'.

Side note: i couldn't find the edit button

[elysium]

Certainly, there is a lot of truth in all this. But, I must agree, there are no solid guidelines as to how a relationship will work. It depends greatly on those involved. It's also one of those 'as you go' things, something that you need to adapt to as circumstances change.
But, I guess at 16 will little/no experience in these things, I can't truly comment.

[anoyomouse]

As far as i've seen these 'rules" work in all situations.

most people like making it guess work and all fall apart unless you at least keep rule 1 and 2 in mind.

I've seen a lot of relationships work, and lots that have died, and well, yeah, unless there are some kinds of guidelines, they won't work.

[Sticky_Fingers]

I dont get into relationships because I am not good at comunicating everything I mean. I'm more of an actor then a real person....