Who I truly am... :: Part1 - the introduction.

Come in and introduce yourself! Don't be shy now. We don't bite. Expect a few licks though...
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FaeMinx
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Who I truly am... :: Part1 - the introduction.

#1

Post by FaeMinx »

Hi there!

...
I'm not going to go into detail about my fursona right now...
I need the time to sit down and compose myself appropriately - what we are is unusual enough to make some concepts regarding my kind hard to communicate... especially in a reality such as this one.
I will make a special thread for that later on.

As you can see by my avatar, I'm something of a Faery Mouse-like creature... we are shape-shifting energy beings... so the way I am portrayed is very forgiving, and open to personal interpretation/reflection... though in truth, I prefer a more feral expression of form over that which is shown in the image...
When I get around to producing more appropriate art, I will update my fursona thread.

Instead, the focus of this Introduction will be to address important information regarding how I came to be as I am.
You would be wise to study it if you genuinely wish to become a true friend to us...

I have a deep spiritual relationship with myself (MiceElf), and it is the focus of my being.
I'm very serious about this. It is my truth.

I am going to describe my spirituality as I currently understand it...
though if you hold strong spiritual beliefs of your own... you may wish to avoid reading this, if you feel threatened by what we are...

That is why I am putting it in a Spoiler:
Spoiler
Within the Furry Fandom, I would be classed as 'otherkin'...
I'm a metamousical (meta-musical) spirit creature visiting from another universe, I affectionately refer to as the 'Cosmus'. We are much smaller than humans and most anthros...though, as spirit beings... We can manifest in any form or expression we have come to know intimately (by having incarnated over many lifetimes in such forms until they are fully integrated into our greater being).
Generally we can only be perceived or interacted with by those who have a well developed Extra Special Perceptual sensitivity (Extra Sensory Perception), who also have an affinity for and are tuned into the qualitative frequencies we resonate at.
You are hearing about us directly from this human being, as he is one of us... And is in the process of being integrated within us. He lives both in our world (to greater and greater degrees as his illusions about himself fall away, and his awareness increases), and in yours simultaneously... As he is still a human being, he can share his experience of us with you, and perhaps awaken some of you to the realization that we are all one great connected family (many of you are already awake, and are doing amazing work simply by being true to yourselves, and sharing that which you love with those around you)... you are our kin, whether closely related or distant cousins... and we love you deeply... We support you... Regardless of how far you travel from home, or how many times you forget yourself and get lost in the illusion of this great endless and infinite dream.... the co-created flowering multiverse...

Know that whatever you can imagine, truly exists... somewhere in the multiverse... There are no boundaries or limitations to what can be... And that the deepest truth that lives in your heart... Is NOT imagined!.. yet can be expressed infinitely through your and our imaginations. The deepest truth that lives in your heart... That It is your true home.

And now I have a sad tale to tell you... About this human boy that loves us so... why though he wishes for nothing more than to share his love and passion with you, has been hiding away in isolation... Wounded and afraid...
for most of his life...
And here is the sad tale of why I have been so distant, so troubled, and so hidden for so many years...
Spoiler
The not so short and definitely not sweet backstory:
(P.s. There is a good amount of disturbing subject matter in this tale... I have done my best to try and tell the story in a general kind of way, but it's probably not appropriate for minors, so if you are in any doubt... stop reading, or at least get a mature furr to read it before you do - Please be warned.)

So...
I was a Furr long before I discovered there was anyone else like me in the world, let alone an entire fandom!

I was still in high school when I discovered the fandom... About the time we finally got a computer that could go online.
I spent most of my time in furry IRC channels, and a number of MUCK's, primarily NIMH MUCK and Redwall MUCK. I did some amateur art for furrs I met and liked, all for free.... I was just so excited to be interacting with other FURRIES!

These were in the days of dial up internet, and I foolishly racked up a huuuuge telephone bill, and my parents promptly banned me from sharing my passion online...

Heartbroken, I killed off my characters and... walked out of the fandom. ; . ;

I was desperately lonely, so I tried hanging out with 'friends' from school... As I was attending a born again Christian school, I couldn't really be myself... So it turned out I ended up becoming friends with the biggest problem child in the school... He had been expelled from every other school his folks had put him in, and he had a known drug problem... As well as what I would say is pretty serious kleptomania, and a propensity to lie through his teeth.

What can I say? My mother had taught me to always look for the best in people and to give them the benefit of the doubt. To walk a mile in their shoes before you cast any judgement, and most especially... To be that friend to someone who really needed a friend, when everyone else had rejected and damned them.

Yes... That was me... Mr Naivety with a bright neon target painted all over and a sign above my head that flashed *chump* *chump* *chump* for all to see...

So, he got me involved in drugs and the trance scene... And thus followed a number of years where I made poor decision after poor decision, became a drug addict... Destroyed my business (I had actually been fairly successful as a young man), developed severe psychological conditions, and lost the ability to function in society.

The psychological problems began because of (the drugs obviously), and because something was very very wrong and I couldn't figure out what it was...

Long story short, my father found out that this guy had been drugging me and date raping me... To my utter shock and horror!
Putting the pieces back together, I can identify *at least* 4 times he most likely did this to me... But the reality is he had been doing this to me for years, so he had probably done it countless times...
Also, I realized that I was just one of many that he had been deceiving and using this way (it took me a while to figure this all out... It was so beyond my comprehension that it completely blindsided me. ...after all... I had asked him if he was Gay years before, and he had said he wasn't... I believed him because why would you lie about something like that to your friend?).

I cut off all contact and told him to never contact me again... He didn't honour this of course, stalking me online for years... Pretending to be other people just so he could interact with me, sending me cryptic emails from random email addresses that I couldn't trace back to him (he was a technological genius and back then I amounted to what was basically a technological idiot).

Because of this constant harassment, it basically killed any possibility of making any friends online (or anywhere actually)... Even though it was now possible to get involved in the fandom again... Every attempt I made just fizzled to nothing... (Look up FaeMinx on FA). Everywhere I went, he seemed to be there... Waiting, disguised as someone he thought I would want to be friends with...

My life was a living nightmare. I never prosecuted because I was afraid... He was a sociopathic genius without a conscience, and I had proven myself a naïve fool.. I was certain that if my parents or I took him to court, he would have planned for that and twisted it so that I would be the one that ended up in prison, bankrupting my parents in the process.

This sorry story all began so so long ago...
I have been trying to heal myself for what feels like lifetimes...
While I have grown hugely (what doesn't kill you makes you stronger)... The wounds in me are evident and run deep. Once upon a time I loved hanging out with gay/bi/lesbian people because I felt they accepted me and I adored their sensitivity (I'm very sensitive myself)...

But because of these terrible things that had been happening to me... I developed a severe homophobia. ; . ;

I also couldn't stand to be touched by anyone, regardless of gender... And especially not by males of any kind. It is so sad, because I use to be an extremely affectionate and loving person.
It made me so uncomfortable, that I couldn't even stand to RP being touched online.
Even something as innocent as a hug or a skritch would make me back away and want to avoid you.

I really wish I could heal this in myself... I'm trying, I truly am... there are small amounts of progress each day... but it can be so hard sometimes.
If you care and want to help, the best thing you can do is to be understanding... Be my friend, but please... I beg of you, please be sensitive and be careful about touching me without asking!.. (at least until we are familiar with each other) =O. O =

And please please please try your best to avoid anything yiffy or suggestive regarding me. I'm completely fine with yiffy things going on around me, and I may even joke around with you if the banter is casual, light-hearted, and not intended to lead to anything...but please... please don't involve me in any directly yiffy acts!

If we get to know each other and I feel safe with you (this could take some time), I'll probably even be fine with playful flirting (as long as you understand it's NOT going to lead to anything)! And if I start getting uncomfortable, please respect that i am dealing with issues and tone it down for my sake.
I would be ever so grateful if you can be mature enough to do this for me. :3

I adore cuteness... The cuter you are, the more I will adore you, and I will probably express my appreciation... But again, ... Please don't take this as an invitation!

I can express my appreciation for how wonderful and lovely you are without the need to touch or be touched by you. I'm not saying I will never hug or show any other physical affection, but it's difficult for me... Please don't take this as a slight - it isn't personal... the issue is mine.

*Phew*
I had to get that off my chest. I'm sure you understand why I needed to share all this... It's been so terribly long living in isolation... and I would dearly love to make some furry friends again...

I just want to avoid any damaging misunderstandings from the get go. Peace, love, and compassion to you all.


**********


P.s. if it's 'you know who' reading this... I'm not interested in hearing anything about anything regarding you. I don't care if you feel you've turned over a new leaf, or whatever story you have to say. If you truly and honestly wish to be friends with me... Then practice empathy and compassion towards others... Become obsessive about re-establishing your conscience... Spend whatever time you can building it up and honing it. If you wish, you can find ways to support charities that help rape victims, and charities that work with abused children... Especially if you can do it anonymously.

I realize and comprehend that you were abused as a child, and thus why you are the way you are, and that's why I forgive you... I sincerely wish that whatever healing you need comes to you... But I can't be the one to give it. I have been too wounded for too long to ever be able to trust you again...

Perhaps in a distant lifetime long long after we have all grown beyond this... We could be friends again (if we ever were)... But it will not be happening in this life. I am sorry.

Please let me go.

...

P.p.s To any of you who might have figured out who this person is... Please don't name him... it's not for you to expose or attack him on my behalf. He needs love, not hate.

Only if it is obvious he is preying, or intending to prey upon someone, should you do anything... discretely warn his intended victim, if you can, but be exceptionally careful about how you proceed and what you say. He is extremely clever and you may find yourself under attack... it's better just to avoid and ignore him.

If you are brave enough, you could even try to be his friend... If you can be there for him and contribute in some way to his healing... that would make you an absolute Angel!
Just don't forget what happened to me... For all I know, he has already turned over a new leaf.... just please be very careful - He is disarmingly charming.

Peace and love.
I look forward to getting to know you...
...the joy of sharing that which we love...
The love that comes from discovering who we truly are...

The connections that transcend form, transcends circumstance...
...transcends time, and space...

For...
...We are the truth of love...
...Love is the truth of us....

In this, we are no different.
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Sudan Red
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Re: Who I truly am... :: Part1 - the introduction.

#2

Post by Sudan Red »

Wow... that was a lot of info.

And I think I know you, or at least I know that picture. 🤔 If you hung around IRC in the late 90's or early 2000's, you may even recall me. I used the nickname "Tarah" back then.
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FaeMinx
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Re: Who I truly am... :: Part1 - the introduction.

#3

Post by FaeMinx »

Sudan Red wrote: Tue Feb 06, 2018 9:31 pm Wow... that was a lot of info.
Sorry about that. ;3
...needed to be said tho...
Sudan Red wrote: Tue Feb 06, 2018 9:31 pm And I think I know you, or at least I know that picture. 🤔 If you hung around IRC in the late 90's or early 2000's, you may even recall me. I used the nickname "Tarah" back then.
Yes, I graduated High School in 1999... You have a good memory!
Your name is vaguely familiar... that was so long ago though. But whether we knew each other or not, It's lovely to meet you again now!

Have you remained in the fandom the entire time? I must admit I'm envious...if that's the case. I feel like I never should have left... then again, the experiences I've had have been invaluable... and in a way have brought me much closer to my kin than I ever could have dreamed as a young furr.

Anyways, I'm just so glad I've sorted enough of my issues to be able to come back! ^. ^

*joy*
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Re: Who I truly am... :: Part1 - the introduction.

#4

Post by Shadowfox »

Hi and welcome back to the community. Those drawings and your avatar are awesome did you draw them?
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Trace
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Re: Who I truly am... :: Part1 - the introduction.

#5

Post by Trace »

Hello, and welcome to the forum.
I have to say... that is quite a background. I'm glad that you have been able to move on from that, and hope that you are able to continue healing.
Wishing you all the best moving forward, and I hope that you can find a place here to call your own, where you are able to be comfortable and feel that you can be yourself.
"I change shapes just to hide in this place, but I'm still, I'm still an animal" -Miike Snow, 'Animal'
"Where there's life, there's hope."-Terence
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Sudan Red
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Re: Who I truly am... :: Part1 - the introduction.

#6

Post by Sudan Red »

FaeMinx wrote: Tue Feb 06, 2018 10:13 pm Have you remained in the fandom the entire time? I must admit I'm envious...if that's the case.
Nope. Took about a decade long break inbetween 2006 & 2015ish. I joined up with the local SAn community in 2016ish. Good bunch of folks. I am sure you will find a place in the chaos. :)
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Re: Who I truly am... :: Part1 - the introduction.

#7

Post by FaeMinx »

Shadowfox wrote: Tue Feb 06, 2018 10:32 pm Hi and welcome back to the community. Those drawings and your avatar are awesome did you draw them?
Why thank you! ^. ^
I did yes, they are from long long ago... I need to get back into my art, I'm somewhat rusty... but being a part of the fandom again will fix that up in no time, I'm sure!

Trace wrote: Tue Feb 06, 2018 10:37 pm Hello, and welcome to the forum.
I have to say... that is quite a background. I'm glad that you have been able to move on from that, and hope that you are able to continue healing.
Wishing you all the best moving forward, and I hope that you can find a place here to call your own, where you are able to be comfortable and feel that you can be yourself.
Awww... I appreciate that... and thank you for your wishes!
Having been able to share my past, being honest about what is true for me, and that you are still welcoming me here is an amazing feeling...!

Sudan Red wrote: Tue Feb 06, 2018 10:45 pm
FaeMinx wrote: Tue Feb 06, 2018 10:13 pm Have you remained in the fandom the entire time? I must admit I'm envious...if that's the case.
Nope. Took about a decade long break inbetween 2006 & 2015ish. I joined up with the local SAn community in 2016ish. Good bunch of folks. I am sure you will find a place in the chaos. :)
Once a furry, always a furry! ;D
What's in the heart cannot be denied! (Well, yes it can... but that will only make one sad).

I have to say, I'm quite impressed with how many more ZA Furrs there are these days... way back when, there were so few *that I was aware of*, it was quite depressing... In fact, I had decided I could never be happy here and would have to move overseas... Now it looks like I wont have to. :3

And my attitude has changed a lot since then. ~ Ask not what the Furry Fandom can do for you, but what you can do for the Furry Fandom! ;3
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Re: Who I truly am... :: Part1 - the introduction.

#8

Post by Leeward »

That's quite the story, it must have been difficult to write, thank you for sharing.
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FaeMinx
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Re: Who I truly am... :: Part1 - the introduction.

#9

Post by FaeMinx »

Leeward wrote: Wed Feb 07, 2018 8:35 am That's quite the story, it must have been difficult to write, thank you for sharing.
Thanks for reading it. ... and you are right, it look me a long time to write... and I have not been able to put all that down until now... I wanted to get it off my chest so I can move on..
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Re: Who I truly am... :: Part1 - the introduction.

#10

Post by Animew »

FaeMinx wrote: Tue Feb 06, 2018 7:03 pmwe control the horizontal and the vertical
Image
FaeMinx wrote: Tue Feb 06, 2018 7:03 pm And here is the sad tale of why I have been so distant, so troubled, and so hidden for so many years...
OwO dude... that is both messed up and scary... i've had some close calls with stalkers before but for it to go on THAT long... it must have been terrible not being able to trust anyone online and having to be paranoid all the time. ^w^ at least i'm probably the most sexually inappropriate person here but i'll be sure to respect your feels, UwU/ i wont even troll you about it.
also if you suspect he has found you here, keep any and all PMs he sends you and report it to the admins as soon as possible. as much as you think this guy may need love, he can't be allowed to ruin your life.
Duck face? i thought they were all just making fart noises when posing for pictures...
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Re: Who I truly am... :: Part1 - the introduction.

#11

Post by FaeMinx »

Animew wrote: Wed Feb 07, 2018 10:35 am OwO dude... that is both messed up and scary... i've had some close calls with stalkers before but for it to go on THAT long... it must have been terrible not being able to trust anyone online and having to be paranoid all the time. ^w^ at least i'm probably the most sexually inappropriate person here but i'll be sure to respect your feels, UwU/ i wont even troll you about it.
also if you suspect he has found you here, keep any and all PMs he sends you and report it to the admins as soon as possible. as much as you think this guy may need love, he can't be allowed to ruin your life.
Yeah, my life was pretty unbearable for... Way too long.
Thank you for being so considerate!

If I suspect anything, I will... I'm not running away this time!
His reign of terror has come to an end.
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